Was that me?

People watching

2011-11-04T15:00:00.002Z

I like watching people.

I sometimes think critical things about them in my head. It makes me feel better about myself.

It’s not so much fun doing it in the countryside because there aren’t many people.

I do sometimes go: “Tcha. Look at that sheep. So bloody fat and it’s STILL EATING!"

But only in my head.

In the flesh

2011-08-26T18:14:00.004+01:00

Max, pondering the proof of Fermat's theorum

2011-08-16T15:03:00.003+01:00

Don't take a knife to a gunfight

2011-08-09T11:59:00.005+01:00

Monday 8^th August 2011

To all members, Essex D

Don't take a knife to a gunfight

So, that’s it then. All over for another year.

Shot and shell have ceased their frenetic symphony and the smoke clears slowly from the stage; the red mist of battle lust ebbs, leaving hollow-eyed, bewildered survivors amidst a sea of carnage and desolation. Peace has come among us to lay a soothing hand on fevered brow; to say a kind word to a broken man and wash away the evil stains of war. What are we going to do with ourselves now?

Before our friend War left for other parts (currently Syria and Tottenham) he had one further twist of the knife for us. August 4^th, at Castle Hedingham. A must win match if we were to meet our goal of a perfectly balanced season…

We prepared well, feasting on a champion’s diet of bombast and braggadocio, and picking the type of team which would have many a scrofulous serf running for the safety of the Master’s Keep. However, we hadn’t bargained on divine intervention. I opted for a strategy involving “slick” players (you know the sort, great in the dry, on a flat surface with no wind) when I should have picked wets. Our team found conditions as much to their liking as Napoleon’s troops found Russia’s Mother Winter. Come the day, it was wet. Very wet. The only time it stopped raining was when it started pouring. It would be fair to say we arrived expecting to re-enact El Alamein, only to be told we’d be fighting the Battle of Jutland. Having made the trek over to their place we didn’t feel we could return to our home ports without at least engaging the enemy so I ran up the signals for the orders of the day and launched the first broadside (and then sat back in the pavilion). Our brave boys gave it a good go but were sadly out-gunned and out-manned in these conditions. They plished, plashed, slipped and slid to a very credible 4-5 defeat at the hands of the Imperial Hedingham Navy’s High Seas Fleet who had the good sense to wear cleats and have bigger boats.

Still, this was a game, strangely, of two halves. We may have been outmatched on the courts but we managed to snatch a draw when the action relocated to The Bell. Once our brave boys had a toddy of grog inside them we took them apart in competitive bar snack eating and tall story telling. By close of play the opposition were thanking us for going easy on them and offering us “bloody good chaps” one more for the road. They are thoroughly decent people over at Hedingham and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if demand for a place at next year’s fixture far outstrips supply. I may have to auction slots to the highest bidders.

My thanks to all who played.

I think I’ll do one more newsletter summarising the season once all the results are posted and we know where we are.

For now, stand easy.

Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

2011-08-09T11:59:00.004+01:00

Wednesday 3^rd August 2011

To all members Essex D

Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

Thankfully enough of you have kindly cancelled your holidays to allow us to field a team. Many thanks for the expressions of regret or remorse about unavailability and your best wishes for the night.

For those of you reading this on your iPhones in Antibes, Faliraki or Cleethorpes I hope the weather holds or gets better*, that the hotel is as described in the brochure and that you can live with the choice you made. No matter how wrong it was.

In your absence my merry band o’ men will see the campaign out with a resounding win or loss and a pint in the Bell. The team is:

Philip of Fordham

“Big”John

“Little” Andy

Tom, Tom the piper’s son

Peter the Wise

Hugh the Mad

And as travelling reserve and arbiter bibendum, me.

For those of you wondering who Tom is, he is the future. A 21 year old with a proper forehand, rocket service and everything. It’ll be hard to drop him after stepping in like this….. Bet you wished you hadn’t gone on holiday now, don’t you?

Finally, and because I think we may need all the help we can get, I offer a bit of inspiration from The Bard who obviously had August the 4^th at Castle Hedingham in mind when he wrote:

(read this out loud for maximum shivers-down-your-spine impact)

“This day is called the feast of Crispian:

He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,

Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,

And rouse him at the name of Crispian.

He that shall live this day, and see old age,

Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,

And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'

Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.

And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'

Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,

But he'll remember with advantages

What feats he did that day: then shall our names.

Familiar in his mouth as household words

Neil the Skip, John, Philip, Tom, Andy, Peter and good Sir Hugh,

Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.

This story shall the good man teach his son;

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,

From this day to the ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remember'd;

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,

This day shall gentle his condition:

And gentlemen on holiday now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.”

Apt, I think. OK, that is all. Gentlemen to bed, for tomorrow we ride to victory.

* delete as appropriate

Thursday, Castle Hedingham 6.30pm

2011-08-09T11:58:00.002+01:00

Monday 1^st August 2011

To all members Essex D

Thursday, Castle Hedingham 6.30pm

OK chaps, good-ish response to my request for reinforcements so I can confirm that we are ON for a “pop at the filthy hun weasles” (copyright: A M) this Thursday.

I still haven’t had enough replies to make a full team so if you can play, please let me know as soon as possible. That includes you, Hugh, Derek, Dave and Steve. As an added incentive, I will be reciting the St Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V in its entirety before the match. And it goes without saying that to the victor, the spoils; so once we have sacked the citadel we will go on a rampage of plunder and pillage in The Bell.

So come on, what else could you be doing that’s more important than brotherhood and glory?

Anyone free on the 4th?

2011-08-09T11:58:00.001+01:00

Saturday 30^th July 2011

To all members Essex D

Anyone free on the 4th?

Hi all

Just heard from the Castle Hedingham garrison. They cordially invite us to “come and have a go” at them this Thursday, the 4^th August at 6.30 pm.

This is of course the rearranged fixture, cancelled because of rain. I need a quick decision from you as to availability. I’d like to confirm or cancel by tomorrow, so when you get this please let me know if you CAN play. This will be the season’s closing fixture and it would be nice to finish with a win. But more importantly, nice to have a good evening’s tennis followed by a pint in The Bell.

Who’s up for it?

Deus ex Machina

2011-08-09T11:57:00.002+01:00

Wednesday 27^th July 2011

To all members Essex D

Deus ex Machina

Well now, how best to describe last night’s crunch match with Braintree C?

As you know, I’m rather fond of searching for analogies to spice up what would otherwise be rather mundane match reports. Today I have a problem; my usual store of historical references don’t quite fit the actualite and neither does my pre-match favourite of a spiced up Rorke‘s Drift. You’ll see why in a minute.

Before I get on to the match report I have this little poser for you:

What did the ancient Athenians, Thebans and Corinthians (but not Spartans) have in common with John B and Philip F and the modern day Taliban? I’ll come back to that one later.

OK, match report time:

Do you remember the final scenes in Star Wars IV when fey, goody two-shoes Luke Skywalker uses the Force to stick one down the Death Star’s pipehole? Or the crucial bit of Independence Day, when the drunk, crazy-lovable crop sprayer takes one for the team (and the planet) by crashing his plane upside the alien spaceship’s pipehole? Or the bit in Lord of the Rings The Return of King when the ghosts miraculously appear from the east to drive the Orc army from the gates of Minas Tirith? Stirring, weren’t they?

It was exactly like that….

just like the examples above, the match was settled at the very last minute, just when things were looking particularly sticky for the Rebels/Earth/Hobbits/Essex D. And just like these examples, the match didn’t actually happen. I know, I was surprised too. But apparently each of those examples is a work of imaginative fiction and not an actual event. A bit like my match reports, really.

So, when the match scorecard is submitted it will show a 9-0 thrashing and three lovely points for us. But we will know that due to a small detail error on the opposition captain’s part, it didn’t actually take place. And that’s not a very heroic way to win a match, is it? I think I speak for the team when I say that we were all rather disappointed.

Two of our pairs were so upset, having worked themselves up in to a pre-match frenzy of battle lust, that they proceeded to work out their aggression with a head to head challenge. They were last seen as the light faded, knocking seven bells out of each other for the glory of being labelled the “first pair”. As if they get to choose.

Three more points and a comfortable mid table position. One more match to be arranged and then an end of season celebratory event. Who’s with me?

Oh, yes. What do the ancient Greeks (exc. Sparta) have in common with the Taliban, Philip and John?

A: They don’t want to fight during harvest time.

Tuesday 26th July HOME MATCH

2011-08-09T11:57:00.001+01:00

Monday 25^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

Tuesday 26th July HOME MATCH

OK chaps final match of the regular season is upon us. At home to Braintree C tomorrow at 7. It snuck up on me under cover of the cancellation of the Hedingham match last week so apologies for late notice.

Team is:

John Bl

Philip F

Steve S

Dave R

Derek

Me (because I fancy a match, not because I can justify a place in the line up…..)

Subs

Andy M

Mark F

Andrew C

Please let me know if you’re going to be mowing your fields and can’t make it.

I don’t need to remind you that we did them at their place and they will be hungry for revenge. We currently sit 4^th in the league and need this win to increase our share of the league bonus pool*

So, beat Braintree and we live like kings. Lose and its back to work on Wednesday with that familiar ache in our bones.

The Hedingham match is going to be rearranged soon so keep looking at your emails from whatever beach you intend to spend August on. And make sure your travel ticket has a flexible return option.

Neil

*possibly mythical.

The Forlorn Hope*

2011-08-09T11:56:00.004+01:00

Tuesday 19^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

The Forlorn Hope*

Next Match Thursday 21st July AWAY Castle Hedingham 6.30 p.m start

OK, just two more to go. First we have to capture the castle. Here’s the plan:

Steve and Dave, you put up a defensive screen strong enough to withstand shot, shell and boiling oil. Match them shot for shot and undermine the foundations of their game. This will create the breach we need for….

….Andy, to bring up the big battering ram and smash the bleedin’ doors in. Derek, you’ll be providing a continual barrage of covering fire from the baseline with occasional sallies to the front.

Robert, your job is to adopt an aggressive posture, testing the enemy’s defences and grinding out each and every point relentlessly. Once inside, show no mercy. Hugh, you just have to go berserk with battle lust. Kill, KILL!

My job will be to accept the surrender of the garrison and sign the ceasefire.

Reserves:

Me.

Any cases of trenchfoot or desertion to be reported to the C/O by 2000 hours tonight so that reinforcements can be called up.

I need hardly add, gentlemen that this will be a most difficult undertaking and one in which few, if any of you will come back unscathed. But one that will redound to your credit in the retelling for generations to come. Those that do come through victorious will be considered for a place in the thrilling last instalment, which I am tentatively entitling “Rorke’s Drift”.

Be about your business.

* Google it.

[Match cancelled owing to rain]

There are three steps to heaven...

2011-08-09T11:56:00.003+01:00

Wednesday 13^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

There are three steps to heaven...

and we took the first of them last night.

A tough night with uncertain climactic conditions and a lot resting on the team’s shoulders. A late replacement of Andrew for Mark meant I couldn’t quite field the same team who let us all (me) down so badly the week before. But I knew that my particularly ridiculous brand of cod psychology and posturing would make them determined got the job done this time.

So, how did the boys do? As Homer once almost said:

“And out they stalked as mountain lions exultant in their power

striding through the wind and rain and their eyes ablaze

and they charge sheep or oxen or chase wild deer

but their hunger drives them on to go for flocks, even to raid the best homestead."

A bit like that. But a tennis match. One that ended 5-4 to us.

It would be invidious to pick out any particular players for praise so I won’t. They all did well. Even the ones who lost every set. Remember, “they also serve who only wear out the opposition a bit before someone else has a go at them”. Well done to all who played and most especially all who picked the team.

We now sit comfortably fifth in the league table. We have to build on this with a tricky one at Hedingham on the 21^st. They caught us unawares at home and took away 5 of our sets. It’s now our turn to storm the castle and lay them to waste. As usual, please let me know if you are NOT available.

Tuesday 12th. Home match. 7pm

2011-08-09T11:56:00.001+01:00

Monday 11^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

Tuesday 12th. Home match. 7pm

Dear all

Team for tomorrow. This is based on known availability. If any late drop outs I’ll call on the reserve list as usual.

Phil

Steve

Derek

Dave R

Alan T

Mark F

Reserves

Andrew M

Andrew C

Peter G

No more speeches… Just one quote kindly provided by Andy M:

“winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.”

Henry Russell ("Red") Sanders

Lost for words

2011-08-09T11:55:00.002+01:00

Friday 8^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

Lost for words

Well, that was unexpected.

On the one hand, it was away and they were second in the league, having beaten us at home. On the other, we had a good team out, settled pairs and an air of confidence. What happened?

I didn’t stay for the match as I had to go and scout for other players to bring in during the transfer window….. The feedback from the team has been a bit short so far. No one seems to want to talk to me. but I did hear that the good news is that each pair managed at least one W. The bad news is that the opposition got to 4 before we had 1. I understand that there were plenty of deuces and a number of tie breaks. Close and enjoyable games all evening. The worst news is that they won more of them than us and ran out winners 5-4. Why?

Anyone? Anyone?

So, seven played. Five lost, two won, three to go. Starting with the league’s whipping boys next Tuesday 12^th July. At “fortress” Essex. 7.00 start. Anyone who does not want to be considered for selection please let me know by Sunday evening. Three more Ws and we have a 50% win rate. One more loss and you’re all up for free transfers.

The time for talking has passed. Now is the time for action, gentlemen.

That is all.

El Mission San Antonio de Valero, Thermopylae, Greasy Grass.

2011-08-09T11:55:00.001+01:00

Thursday 16^th June 2011

To all members of Essex D

El Mission San Antonio de Valero, Thermopylae, Greasy Grass.

What do these locations all have in common?

El Mission San Antonio de Valero, was the site of the famous battle where, if I remember my Marty Robbins correctly, 192 men withstood the assaults of General Santa Anna’s 5000 for three days and nights. All the while knowing that they could not be saved but that maybe their sacrifice would allow Gen Samuel Houston the time to raise an army to prevent any further Mexican invasion of Texas. History now knows it as the battle for the Alamo.

The pass at Thermopylae was the scene of the famous stand by Leonidas’ 300 Spartans against an army estimated at a quarter of a million Persians and their allies under King Xerxes. This was the place where all Greece agreed to stand shoulder to shoulder to fight the barbarians. But the Athenians, Corinthians, Euboeans and Boetians all broke their word. They either didn’t show at all or pulled out at the last minute. Leaving just the Spartans to fill the pass with the bodies of the fallen. Seven days they held the pass.

Greasy Grass is the Lakotah name for the scene of the final hours of five companies of the 7^th Cavalry under General George Custer, which we know as the battle of the Little Bighorn. Custer knew the size of the tribal gathering he was attacking, he knew he could have waited for Majors Benteen and Reno’s 6 other companies less than five miles away but he went ahead anyway. For glory. And once on the featureless slope, with horses shot from under them, the cavalrymen formed small groups and met the Lakotah Souix, Cheyenne and Arapahoe warriors with bullets, bayonets and eventually, rifle butts and bare hands.

So what have they got in common? In every case, the beaten heroes fought to the last man. Not for some high ideal but for the comrade on their left and on their right. And in doing so they honoured their country, city or regiment. And history has been very kind to these vanquished warriors. They have become watchwords for honour, for courage and for faithfulness. We will not forget them.

Let it be known around the world. To this distinguished list of examples of human endeavour (and folly) in the face of overwhelming odds we can now add a new name: Earls Colne Sports Ground. And new heroes whose names will live forevermore.

Here it was that on Wednesday, 15^th June 2011 four good men outmatched in number, ill-equipped and in a strange and desolate place, planted their feet, squared their shoulders and said “here we stand.”

Four men. Against the top team in the division? On their home ground? What odds. What mad odds. And how glorious was the manner of their defeat?

Four men. No complaints, no rest, never looking for help. Fighting for their brother and for honour. They won three sets out of the six played. It was only exhaustion and sheer weight of numbers that prevented a fourth set. So nobly they fought. But they could never make up the three sets defaulted before a ball had been served.

Those vacant spaces on the team sheet, the help that never came.

Think on.

Next match is on Wednesday, 6^th July, AWAY to Earls Colne B. This time it’s personal.

It’s some way away but I want to pick and name the team before next Friday when I go on a week’s hols. Please let me know if you WILL NOT be available for selection. I’ll say that again. Please let me know if you will not be available for selection. Do not wait until I announce the team. It will be too late then.

Many thanks to all who played. Commiserations to those who couldn’t, it was a good night.

Wednesday 16th June AWAY at Earls Colne. 6.30 start

2011-08-09T11:54:00.002+01:00

Monday 13^th June 2011

To all members, Essex D

Wednesday 16th June AWAY at Earls Colne. 6.30 start

OK Chaps. This is it. This is the Earls Colne A team. The first of the rematches and a chance to expunge the memory of what happened that night. I didn’t attend the match at the Essex but I’m assured they were a bunch of over talented, super fit show ponies. Which, I’m sure you’ll agree is hardly sporting at this level.

The team:

Mark Fitzg.

Robert H

Steve S

John Bl

Dave R

Derek W

And if ever there was a team for whom the phrase “winning ugly” was coined, it’s this one.

1^st reserve is me.

2^nd reserve is no-one.

As usual, please all confirm receipt and availability by tonight.

My inspirational quote today comes from Mary Stuart, Queen of Scotland:

“No more tears now. I will think upon revenge.”

Many thanks and good hunting, gentlemen.

We were lions!

2011-08-09T11:54:00.001+01:00

Friday 10^th June 2011

To all members Essex D

We were lions!

This is the stuff such as dreams are made of.

When you’re old and shrunken, sitting by the flickering embers of the metaphorical fireside; when your eyesight has gone, your false teeth loose in your mouth and your shawl is about your shoulders to ward off the chill, remember this….

Gaze into the flames and let your mind open to the long ago memories of that night. The night you were forged into lionhearts. Proud of gaze, strong of limb, stout of heart, steady of purpose. You entered the field of contest and did not flinch. You took every assault, just as the great cliff resists the might crash of waves, you stood firm. They fought hard to protect their little patch of turf; their dignity. But you, my mighty warriors, fought harder. You turned their power back upon themselves, made them chase shadows and feasted on their mistakes. You stood by one another, fought for each other’s honour and became a band of heroes. Such men as legends are made of.

The memories of this night will feed you and sustain you in your long decline and inevitable dotage. But when your great grandchildren gather around your chair of a winter’s night and ask for a story, tell them this:

Once we were lions.

My thanks to all who took part and all who made themselves available. I think it was an act of selfless tactical genius to drop myself . After that, the outcome was inevitable.

The next chance to feature in one of my forthcoming encomia is on Wednesday 15^th June away to Earls Colne A. There is unfinished business, gentlemen. I aim to conclude it that night. Please all let me know have your availability as soon as possible. I already know that Philip, Alan and Peter G are out. I’ll pick from the whole remaining squad.

Be ready

And I leave you with this thought:

“Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.” Louis L’Amour

Thursday Tennis Match - away to Braintree 6.30pm

2011-08-09T11:52:00.002+01:00

Tuesday 7^th June 2011

To all members of Essex D

Thursday Tennis Match - away to Braintree 6.30pm

I’ve now recovered from the bitter disappointment of Federer losing the FO final to that young moonballer and can now concentrate on team selection.

The winners of the coveted places on the victors’ roll of honour are:

Philip F

Steve S (will be about 10 minutes late so Phil, you’ll have to start without him.)

David R

Derek W (I will collect you at 6)

Robert H and

That’s right people. Me. It’s obviously for tactical reasons to do with playing styles on grass and nothing to do with favouritism.

Reserves are:

Andrew C and

“Big” Andrew M

Can you all please acknowledge receipt and confirm attendance by tonight? Reserves to stand by until I have all places confirmed. Thank you.

The match is at Braintree LTC and is scheduled for a 6.30 start. Map here: http://sites.google.com/site/halsteaddistricttennisleague/teams/team-2 I suggest that those unused to grass courts get there early for a good knock up. A helpful tip for success at Braintree is “don’t let the ball bounce”.

I leave you with these stirring words:

“Some men achieve immortality through their great deeds. I intend to achieve it by not dying”

(Woody Allen)

“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character”: Richard M Nixon:

2011-08-09T11:52:00.001+01:00

Wednesday 1^st June 2011

To all members of Essex D

“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character”: Richard M Nixon:

Fortress Essex breached.

Ooof, that was close. We snatched defeat from the jaws of victory last night. For those not involved in the match, we lost 4-5 on a tie break in the decider. After being 4-2 up going in to the final round. It was a close run thing against some really good players and I thought everyone seemed to enjoy their tennis. My thanks to all who played.

But I think we should have won. And so, I bet, do you. Remember this feeling.

Our next match is a tough one away to Braintree C on Thursday 9^th June starting at 6.30. They of the grass courts of questionable bounce and infinite variety. We will need a strong team and so far only Patrick, Dave R and Alan T have indicated they can’t play so I’ll assume all the rest of you can. I will be considering all players for this one, including (god help us) myself..

Team will be issued on Friday 3^rd so if you can’t make it let me know straight away.

I’ll leave you with the wise words of Ben Stein:

“it is inevitable that some defeat will enter even the most victorious life. The human spirit is never finished when it is defeated…. It is finished when it surrenders.”

That is all

Seven Two

2011-08-09T11:40:00.000+01:00

Wednesday 27^th May 2011

To all members Essex D

Seven Two

Yesterday, my friends, we drank deeply from the sweet cup of victory. Our wily foe fought long and valiantly but we crushed them and left their womenfolk lamenting and homesteads burning in our wake.

Cold and windy night so thank you to all who made it such a good evening. It would be unfair to single anyone other than myself out but particular thanks to Dave R for putting his hat into the ring and John Bl for finally answering my telephone messages and stepping into the hole in the team at late notice. I think each pair was new so well done all for gelling so quickly.

Next match is at HOME on Tuesday 31^st May at 7. Please let me know if you are NOT available for that date. I want to build on the momentum of this win with a sparkling display at Fortress Essex so I need the strongest team we can muster. Don’t make me pick myself again…….

Who fancies a trip to Wickham Bishops?

2011-08-09T11:38:00.000+01:00

Wednesday 18^th May 2001

To all members, Essex D team

Who fancies a trip to Wickham Bishops?

Hi team

How are we all feeling today?

It’s a captain’s job to rally the team when times are tough so a few words on last night

Those who played last night might need to plump up your seat cushions for a day or so to ease the pain. But, thank you for volunteering and giving it your best shot in difficult circumstances. I am going to take the blame for this one since I think I got the pairs wrong so I’ll try and improve on that next time. If I hadn’t dropped myself already, I’d do so now. My favourite post match comment comes from Mr FitzG with “we were mullered”. It at least improves on my normal line after a heavy defeat: “I BLAME MY PARTNER”.

Moving on, we have a match on Tuesday 26^th at Wkm Bps. Nice place and people. Those of you who remember them from last year will recall they put out a great team at home but we got them in the return leg. As I sent out the fixture list earlier and asked you all to inform me of your availability, I will assume I can chose from everyone except Peter, Patrick and Mark who have proffered their apols.

Remember that this is a 6.30 kick off away match so please let me know by Thursday evening if that presents a problem.

cheerio

Essex D Summer 2011 - Fixture List

2011-08-09T11:37:00.002+01:00

Monday 16^th May 2001

To all members, Essex D team

Essex D Summer 2011 - Fixture List

Dear all

I attach a copy of the fixture list for the coming season. Can I ask you all to make a note of them in whatever way works best for you; smartphone, Outlook, diary, wall planner, secretary, long term life partner, etc.

We are a pretty lean squad this summer with only two other bods on the roster (without email addresses). This means that each one of you is vital to the success of the team. Remember, our aim this year is to finish *not last*; a challenging aim which I think can be achieved if we all sacrifice a bit of holiday and free time for the greater good. If any of you really do feel you must take holidays, hospital appointments or business trips, can you please email back with the dates you know you cannot do? I will then assume all other dates are okay for planning purposes. Don’t worry, I will contact you again to confirm availability in the week before the match. How many matches you feature in is up to availability and, of course conviviality but I aim to ensure that everyone who wants to play, can do so.

A few admin points:

1. It’s pay to play and the charge this year is a very reasonable £1.50 pppm to be collected on the night.

2. Directions to all away venues can be found on the Halstead and District website: http://www.halsteaddistricttennisleague.com/home and click on the relevant club

3. All home matches played outside and new balls will be provided.

4. As we are a member club, some people get held up at reception, please help by meeting and greeting opponents at reception as you arrive.

5. Water jugs are kept in what we laughingly refer to as the tennis pavilion. Please don’t let them end up in the bar.

6. I won’t be playing for the first few owing to injury. I will either attend in a non-playing capacity or nominate a team captain for the match who will bring the balls, pick teams, complete score cards and take all the glory/blame.

7. That is all

If anyone has any questions or comments on the arrangements for picking teams or playing matches please get in touch.

Let's have that conversation

2010-12-20T11:37:00.004Z

What's the matter, you look worried?

Do I? It's nothing really.

Don't be ridiculous, you know you can't lie to me. What is it?

I still haven't got you anything for Christmas.

Aah. Is that all? Don't worry, do you want some help?

Oh thank you, thank you! Can you get yourself something? Something that shows how much I care about you and demonstrates that I actually listened to your hints throughout the year?

Maybe something that indicates a bit of depth in my character?

And not too expensive.

And can you wrap it?

Happy Christmas, Reader.

Letting it all hang out

2008-09-01T19:44:00.010+01:00

Once more, dear friends. Trawling the murky depths of the internet, so you don't have to.

We start with what is becoming the stock in trade of the tennis porn pedlar, the "hot pant reveal".

Srebotnik, with a nice, wide stance

Ashley Harkleroad, preventing chafing

My favourite, the demure Hantuchova once more.

We move on to a category new to this site, a demonstration of the physical laws of inertia and momentum...

Agnes Szaray, seeing it big

Ashley Harkleroad, again. Racking up the points

Bethanie Mattek, in full flow.

Mattek, sorting out her evening's entertainment

Who let the puppies out? Tamara Paszek, that's who.

we move on to another first for "Was that me?", tennis pros turned tennis hos...

Ashley Harkleroad, at the pre-match toss up in the final of the Playboy Centrefold Open....

Flaunting the dress code with impunity

And finally, for those of you who need more tennis porn.....

Federer serving it out

Roddick, punishing the ball

Roddick bringing a world of pain to his racket

Niche. Very niche.

I thank you.

Special Places to Stay.....

2008-08-24T19:51:00.013+01:00

We need to talk about Sandra.

When you reach a certain age your world changes. You walk around town and you don't see Claire's Accessories, Topman or MacD's any more. You see Monsoon, Austin Reed and Cafe Rouge. You buy online from Fat Face or Boden rather than scrum down on the racks of H&M. Same with holidays. No more Magaluf, begone Faliraki; hello Alistair Sawday.

Alistair Sawday, or rather his army of part time travel writers, finds and publicises small B&Bs, country hotels and gites for the middle classes. His books are incredibly popular, each property having one page, one photo and some purple prose to sell the proposition. But what really seals the deal is the brand. It's in Sawday. It will be good. It'll be run for people like us, by people like us. They really are "special places to stay". Perfect.

Sawday's. It's becoming a verb.

"We Sawday-ed this year." That single word says everything about you. You like comfort, countryside, cottages, restaurant recommendations, English spoken here, good table manners and definitely, no TV.

We Sawday. I love it. It takes all the hassle out of holidaying. The web gives us the whole world and we feel daunted. What will it really be like? Is it next to an abbatoir? On a roundabout? Above a nightclub? No. Not with Sawday. It will be just right. Nice and quirky. The sort of place we'd like to pretend we found all on our own. Our little secret. Except, a glance in the visitors book tells us we didn't. Nigel from Richmond, Tish from Guildford and Emily and the girls from Winchester all found it too. Our people! Nice.

Now we've nailed the Sawday standard we like to judge the place to see if it meets the mark. Does it deserve to still be in the top flight? Have they let success go to their heads? What was the welcome pack like? Why did they recommend so and so's restaurant when we had a better meal at such and suches? And when we do go off piste, take the risk and find our own place we always ask ourselves have we found a Sawday?

And in this case, we have.

Step forward Sandra Dolley.

Sandra runs Les Hirondelles in the Charente Limousin region. We found her in 2005 and I wrote about the holiday here.

The gite.

We came back this year and in two days she saved our holiday. We'd gone down to Gascony to stay just outside a Bastide in a very appealing looking gite. Unfortunately we just didn't click, the place and I. It was too hot, too hilly, too flyblown. Or maybe it was me. Whatevs. It wasn't working.

What to do? Four euros in an internet cafe and we had our answer. Yes, Sandra had let the gite but she was more than happy to take us in the main house on a B&B basis. Hurrah! We sped back to the house, packed and fled. After a scary two hour drive we were 140 miles closer to home and lolling in the lap of luxury.

Sandra Dolley knows how to welcome guests. Her house, in the pretty hamlet of La Gilardie, just to the left of the middle of nowhere is an oasis of peace and order. Hummingbird Hawk moths flit from lavender bush to lavender bush as we sit and recover with a cool beer. The room, with its own entrance was spacious and cool.

The pool area is quite lovely and in a new addition since our last visit, the gym was fully equipped and operational. Sandra has a way with tired travellers. She has that instinctive grasp of hospitality and seems to be genuinely interested in you, as well as willing to share something of herself. She makes you feel at home and that nothing is too much trouble. A restaurant? She'll book it. A drink? On it's way. Breakfast?

Breakfast. How does she do it? Fresh waffles at 8.30. Brioche, fresh fruit salad (changes daily), home made confiture, croissants and lovely coffee. Too much but too delicious to stop.....

Sandra Dolley treats you as if you are family and in turn you can't help feeling like you've come home.

Main house

The area is just lovely. Etangs hidden by trees. Herds of cattle and fields of sunflowers. Rolling hills and streams everywhere. Why did it take us three years to go back?

Sandra isn't in Sawday's. But she should be. We think she is the epitome of the perfect host. Try her and tell me what you think.

And incidentally, our holiday dog from 2005 is still alive and thriving. He's been adopted by another family in the hamlet and gets to sleep indoors now, we hear. His name's Yeuk and he's pleased to see any of Sandra's houseguests any time......

Careful Yeuk, she's taken.

It's true

2008-08-22T16:15:00.005+01:00

The first taste really is with the eyes...

a bit sickly, really.

The king is dead...*

2008-08-18T21:57:00.008+01:00

"That's what I expected and hoped for many years ago when I got to number one, that if ever somebody were to take it away from me, he would have to play an incredible tennis schedule, win the biggest tournaments, dominate the game basically, and then like this he can take number one,"
"I didn't want it to happen that I would play completely bad and somebody would pick up number one in the world. So I think Rafa totally deserves it."

Roger Federer

Long time ago, I said that someday, someone would come along and take him down. That day has come.

Rafa, looking excited to have won another match.

*Spain's Rafael Nadal has ended Roger Federer's record 237-week reign as world number one.

Everyone's a critic these days

2008-08-05T21:53:00.004+01:00

They say the first taste is with the eyes.......

"you've hardly touched your food"

It's never easy looking after an invalid. I fear my unipedal infirmity may be becoming a bit wearing for the Cat; what with doing all the DIY, painting and cooking my dinner as well as attending to my other corporeal needs...

What she needs is an early night, so that she can bring me my morning coffee with a smile.

Touching the void

2008-08-04T21:11:00.003+01:00

I sprain my ankle!*

Running pell mell along the baseline to recover a well placed ball, I delivered the perfect riposte. A cross court top spin lob. Job done. Now all I had to do was brake, stop, turn and high-five my partner. Except I didn't.

Stop that is. My feet did their bit. Anchoring themselves firmly to the lush green carpet, they were going no further. Unfortunately, my body wasn't so pliant. Using all the momentum I had built up in my nearly ten yard dash, my torso headed for the wall. I tried to recover and in doing so managed to turn my ankle over before sitting on it all of a sudden.

Pain. Then more pain and then yet more. At that moment I realised what Christy Moore had been going on about in "My Left Foot".

By now I'd drawn quite a crowd of concerned well-wishers and schadenfreudian rubberneckers. "Are you ok?", "Do you need anything?", "Can you stop moaning during our points?"

"Ice, ICE!" All of a sudden I was in a familiar place. A useless leg, a helpless partner and a mountain of pain. The ice numbed my ankle and dulled my senses. A blizzard of emotions swept over my exposed body. My inner child (a nasty little fucker) was screaming out for relief but I knew that no-one could help me. I had to find safety on my own. I was exactly like that Joe Simpson, except I was wearing shorts.

For what seemed like days I dragged my body through corridors and atria. If I could just get to the car park before the gates closed.... All sense of time was lost to me and reality became the next step and then the next. I started hallucinating; as I reached the reception area I started to hear a song. Not Brown girl in the ring la la la la la, brown girl in the ring la la lalalala but Simply the best, better than all the rest better than anyone, anyone adall... The rhythm drove me on, the pain receding to a locked room deep in my pyche as I finally made the car park.

And there, in the distance, at last. Hope. My car. I could smell shit as I opened the door. It reminded me that in an earlier life one of the cats had let himself down on the way to the vets. It mattered then but now it just seemed conforting. Normal. I managed to jam a rock on the accelerator and poke my mangled leg through the sunroof. I don't know how I made it back to base camp but after another couple of days I managed to drag myself to the front door and collapsed, crying weakly with euphoria and delight.

I remembered no more.

I awoke to find the Cat arranging a few home modifications with social services. I now know how that english patient felt like when he came round. Everyone fussing, discussing stairlifts, motability scooters and commodes. Beautiful, half glimpsed nurses, carefully giving me a bed bath and soothing my creased brow. After two days the pain is controlled now but I do worry how I would cope if I was ever home alone....

The elephant foot

* A homage to Jonny Billericay

More Pots

2008-07-30T17:24:00.006+01:00

Went hereSaw this

and this

and this

If you've been paying attention, you'll know who made them.

Although The Louvre has got some popular pieces scattered among its miles of galleries, it doesn't have a classic example of Attic vasery. I think the Romans and later, the Germans got there first. The do have stuff by Exekias, Amasis and the Achilles Painter but none of them match the Vatican's treasured "Achilles and Aias playing Triv".

For all that, to stand in a deserted gallery, just me and them, was quite a treat. Spine-tingly stuff.

While we were there we sat and contemplated this....

Lovely.

Thanks Cat.

Got Wood?

2008-07-29T21:32:00.004+01:00

What is the mark of a man?

His ability to get wood.

The French, that nation of lovers, know this more than anyone. Well stacked and as big as possible.

I have wood stack envy....

When are you going to start posting again?

2008-07-29T18:40:00.000+01:00

Soon. Very soon.

Brain Conley

2008-03-27T14:26:00.005Z

See if you can guess which of these road signs for the "Essex village of the year, 2005" Earls Colne, is the odd one out....

Anyone?

Recycled post

2008-03-23T16:30:00.002Z

I know I've said this before but,

haven't I got a magnificent cock?

White Easter

2008-03-23T12:00:00.002Z

First gales, then snow storms.

It'll be frogs and locusts next.

Storm? What storm?

2008-03-10T15:43:00.002Z

Bah.

Love me tender

2008-02-13T16:08:00.003Z

Expressions of interest

Shades of Gray, in partnership with "Was that me", invites expressions of interest from suitably qualified individuals for the provision of personal services on an enduring basis to themselves.

The successful bidder will be expected to provide personal physical, emotional and spiritual support (but mostly physical) over the whole 24 hour period and on every day of the year.

Actual duties may vary across the day and years but are likely to include requirements to listen intently and with interest, agree at all times, anticipate and provide for all physical needs and generally to embiggen the service user (but not including their girth). The service is to be provided on a live-in basis, with occasional trips abroad required.

All applicants must have suitable qualifications, specifically including current experience of household management at The Millstone and an extensive knowledge of all discussions which have taken place therein in the last 14 months.

And be hot.

Persons not holding the minimum qualifications need not apply.

Any attempt to canvass for this tender will cause the bid to be invalidated.

Current contract holders will be assumed to have tendered, even if they do not submit any documentation. In this case the contract terms will be determined on the basis of a gentleman's agreement, the fine details of which will be lodged in the service user's memory.

All applicants will need to satisfy due diligence procedures and submit to a rigourous vetting exercise starting with an informal interview over dinner where table manners and conversational skills will be assessed.

Deadline for completion and return of applications is Thursday, 14th February 2008.

Ceci, n'est pas une porno post.

2008-01-24T15:21:00.000Z

Oh, all right. Maybe a little bit porny. But in no way does it attempt to decry the achievements of these finely honed athletes.

Rather , I want to capture "the moment". That instance which summarises and distils the essence of what they are and what they do....

No, really!

Tatiana Golovin. That bulge in her hot pants is, of course a ball.

Tatiana and bulge again

Gagliardi hides her balls rather more effectively

Ana Ivanovic showing off

Ana Ivanovic again. And I know what you're thinking.

Daniela Hantuchova, hiding nothing at all.

Maria Sharapova had a great follow through

Sharapova again. Rapt concentration.

There. I think I've proved that the only person prostituting themselves around here is me. And on that note..... Time to pay up with your appreciative comments.

Or next time it's the vases.

Public Demand

2008-01-23T10:04:00.000Z

Sometimes you just have to give the public what they want.

Someone in a tight spot

Serena straining

Hantuchova reaching

Vaidisova snatching.

Mauresmo, excited.

Roddick, smashing.

Federer, whipping.

And what they want is tennis porn.

The Amasis Painter

2008-01-16T20:18:00.000Z

Over in one of my comment boxes, Anonymous takes issue with me over my assertion that Amasis' boundary-pushing flair tops Exekias' technical genius.

I'm sure you all have your own opinions.

Click on this to see it in all its glory.

Detail from Amasis' Dionysus and the Maenads

Exekias' Achilles and Aias playing ludo

Do I need to say anything else?

Absolutely Fabulous!

2008-01-15T19:13:00.001Z

Oh yes!

It came today. After approximately six years and 298 days, my decree absolute has finally arrived.

I'm free.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Meee-ow.

2008-01-11T12:42:00.000Z

I don't normally post this sort of thing.

I usually find them too mawkish.

But this one made me laugh.

Was that me?

People watching

In the flesh

Max, pondering the proof of Fermat's theorum

Don't take a knife to a gunfight

Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

Thursday, Castle Hedingham 6.30pm

Anyone free on the 4th?

Deus ex Machina

Tuesday 26th July HOME MATCH

The Forlorn Hope*

There are three steps to heaven...

Tuesday 12th. Home match. 7pm

Lost for words

El Mission San Antonio de Valero, Thermopylae, Greasy Grass.

Wednesday 16th June AWAY at Earls Colne. 6.30 start

We were lions!

Thursday Tennis Match - away to Braintree 6.30pm

“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character”: Richard M Nixon:

Seven Two

Who fancies a trip to Wickham Bishops?

Essex D Summer 2011 - Fixture List

Let's have *that* conversation

Letting it all hang out

Special Places to Stay.....

It's true

The king is dead...*

Everyone's a critic these days

Touching the void

More Pots

Got Wood?

When are you going to start posting again?

Brain Conley

Recycled post

White Easter

Storm? What storm?

Love me tender

Ceci, n'est pas une porno post.

Public Demand

The Amasis Painter

Absolutely Fabulous!

Meee-ow.

Let's have that conversation