The Forlorn Hope*

Tuesday 19^th July 2011

To all members, Essex D

The Forlorn Hope*

Next Match Thursday 21st July AWAY Castle Hedingham 6.30 p.m start

OK, just two more to go. First we have to capture the castle. Here’s the plan:

Steve and Dave, you put up a defensive screen strong enough to withstand shot, shell and boiling oil. Match them shot for shot and undermine the foundations of their game. This will create the breach we need for….

….Andy, to bring up the big battering ram and smash the bleedin’ doors in. Derek, you’ll be providing a continual barrage of covering fire from the baseline with occasional sallies to the front.

Robert, your job is to adopt an aggressive posture, testing the enemy’s defences and grinding out each and every point relentlessly. Once inside, show no mercy. Hugh, you just have to go berserk with battle lust. Kill, KILL!

My job will be to accept the surrender of the garrison and sign the ceasefire.

Reserves:

Me.

Any cases of trenchfoot or desertion to be reported to the C/O by 2000 hours tonight so that reinforcements can be called up.

I need hardly add, gentlemen that this will be a most difficult undertaking and one in which few, if any of you will come back unscathed. But one that will redound to your credit in the retelling for generations to come. Those that do come through victorious will be considered for a place in the thrilling last instalment, which I am tentatively entitling “Rorke’s Drift”.

Be about your business.

* Google it.

[Match cancelled owing to rain]